Who am I - a never ending story

Not again.

This was the first thought that came to my mind when I thought about these three words.

‘Who am I’ – I felt a cascade of unease and cluelessness running through me. Shouldn’t I know by now, who I am? And – even more important to me – what I want (and what I don’t want)?

In this very moment if felt like starting from zero. Starting all over again. Again.

How many times have I already asked myself these questions ...

Who am I? What do I want? What do I not want?

And a bundle of variations to get a different access, to find a diffrent angel and to dig deeper:

What brings me joy? What brings me life? What feels exhausting?

What would I do if there would be no money? No (concept of) time? No ‘responsibilities’ I have to take care of? How would I live, what would I do, what would I eat etc., if I would be totally ‘free’ – whatever the latter means for me?

Over and over again I’ve asked those questions myself. And quite often I have made some astonishing discoveries. Not always easy to digest, though. Sometimes I would bring something into the light that would feel rather uncomfortable because it would cause a cascade of events and changes in my everyday life I’m so familiar with. Opening myself for the ‘new’ and the ‘unknown’ – that would take some courage, commitment and faith towards myself and into Spirit. Into life itself.

I have a tattoo on my right forearm saying ‘Truth changes over time’.

It’s like a daily reminder and inspiration for myself – and others who would read it – to normalize that changes happen in my life. To normalize the perspective of  ‘nothing is permanent’. And with that to also normalize the emotions that might come along when change actually appears on my doorstep.

And yet, being aware of all those brilliant and potent phrases, reminders and life hacks I have collected over the last ten years it remains a daily practice to really live and embody them. That’s something I have to humbly realize over and over again.

Like now, sitting in front of my laptop, typing these lines I know that my journaling practice is far away from over yet when it comes to those questions mentioned above. Even though I’ve already written down several pages in my journaling practices during the past few days.

Yes, there is this part in me that would love to have the ‘perfect picture’. The ‘perfect plan’ or the ‘clearest steps’ to go. That promise me that everything will be fine and comfortable – preferably as soon as possible, because I don’t like the feeling of not knowing. The feeling of cluelessness.

And then there is also this part of me that wants to trust. That part that wants to let herself fall into faith, into Spirit, into life itself. Because I also believe that life is taking care of me. Of us. Even if it sometimes feels fu***** exhausting to keep believing. To keep on trusting. When the ‘outcome’ I am craving for is not showing up – or I'm not able to see it (yet).

So, coming back to the question Who am I? and the wave of thoughts and emotions that might come with it I want to encourage you to keep on exploring. To keep asking yourself this question. And to keep asking yourself this question in different varieties (like the examples above). Sometimes it is a different combination of words or phrases, a different ‘angle’ we have to play with to find access to our inner world and where we can dig deeper. Where something is landing in us.

Also: It can take some time until you get the access to your inner landscape.

Be gentle with yourself. Try to see it as an exploration where you can play around. Where there’s no certain outcome to produce. No goal to reach.

If you feel like you want to get support in this you are very welcome to send me a message via e-mail or  Instagram.

I’m sending love to you.

Julia